Getting to be a child again

When do you get to act as though no one is there and not be called crazy? Having a baby is like getting a license to act and do exactly as you like and no one looks at you crooked. In fact, many people find it endearing. When you are somewhere that is as loud and noisy and as packed as New York. There is not going to be that quiet corner, to sing to your toddler, or feed her, entertain her or try and comfort her when needed. You are right in the middle of the hustle and bustle and  there is no getting away from it. No matter where you are on the subway, in the supermarket, on 5th Ave, in the middle of Brooklyn, at the farmer's markets or out for dinner in a fancy Indian.  It is always crowded and the last thing you want to be doing is worrying about other people. When you are trying to be in tune with your daughter. 

Never have I been about too loudly sing old Mc Donald, Mary had a little lamb or dance wildly to street music and for it to be socially acceptable. For no one to think twice only exchange  maybe a knowing smile. 

I would say I interact with a couple of hundred more people a day because of Alessia.  There are literally no barriers. I am able to be a child again, that part of myself that was somewhat lost after I became aware of social norms. When I Lost my childhood innocence, and got caught up conforming to societies rules and regulations. But getting back in touch with my inner child is so liberating. I love talking to strangers and interacting with people whom I meet. I love singing out loud and dancing to music on the street. I love chatting to the people in the shop and hearing their story.  But since having Alessia it feels as though there are no barriers it is like she gives people reason to chat to me and gives me reason to act ridiculous enough that people want to interact. 

There is no room to think of anyone else but Alessia. Often it feels as though we are the only two in a room of thousands. As we sing nursery rhymes on the subway, or when it's raining and Alessia is getting agitated or when we dance to the buskers on  the street and the subway platform. We go to restaurants and we walk around while we wait for the food while chatting to the staff and making ourselves at home. 

We go to the shops and we look through the clothes and we pick up and examine the colors and designs and do not feel guilty if we don't buy anything. We read books from the shelves in bookshops and play with the toys in toyshops. All things that people do not seem to have a problem with but if I thought to much about them, I could be self conscious and feel it was wrong unless we were buying. 

Alessia is daily introducing me to people that I would not in a million years have chatted to. Today we sat with a young teenager on the subway as Alessia held her hand and chatted. We blew kisses to men, woman and children and we had people sing along to nursery rhymes with us. To spend the day with Alessia is so liberating. There has been no time for thoughts just feelings and actions. She is molding her way through New York city and taking me on the ride. I never thought there would be a day that I could act exactly as I wanted without having to conform to social norms. Alessia loves nothing more than to immerse herself into other peoples fun and conversations so many a time I find myself in the center of a family, just as though we are part of it. I am getting to be as much a child again as is possible and I'm loving every minute of it. There is so much to do for children, and it is only now I am seeing that.

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So you love me this much?

When I was growing up I didn’t really think how much my parents loved me, or how they must feel about me. I do remember when I was about 16 I had a horrible situation at school and my mum was so upset it was as though she could feel my pain. That was as close to knowing how much she felt for me, but the moment was soon forgotten.

After having Alessia so many times I’ve thought I can’t believe someone loves me this much. Until now I had not realized that all those sacrifices, comfort, support and encouragement they had shown me over the years had come from a place of complete and utter genuine real raw love. It has made me reminisce over past events, with understanding and clarity why my parents acted in such a way. 

It has given me a whole new respect and love for them both, and understanding how challenging times must have been for them. It has left me in awe how they could raise four girls and be able to divide themselves so equally between us. I understand why our house was messy growing up, but am gobsmacked at how they managed to always keep it so clean and always have a lovely dinner on the table.

Like most people I used to wonder why people did certain things acted certain ways, especially when it came to parents and their children. Since having Alessia, I’ve learned not to question anyone’s actions or at least not be judgmental as everyone has their reasons and things are not always as they seem.  Everyone is trying their best and peoples actions are usually out of love and trying to do the best they can for their child.

Looking after your own child is like nothing I’ve ever felt, the closest thing to it is the love I feel for my sisters, but with them I know that there is someone else over looking their safety, development, and upbringing. The responsibility ultimately lies on my parents so loving them is easier as I don’t have to make those difficult decisions for them.  When I think of what my parents did for us, what they gave up for us I have such gratitude admiration and genuine respect.

I remember wondering why they never left us to go off on holidays on their own, rarely did they leave us even to go out.  On one occasion they won a holiday, they could either take us and go for a weekend or go alone for a week. They chose to bring us. Now I understand their actions, how my mum would work weekends, so we were always with a parent. I understand why she cried leaving me as a baby with a minder and subsequently quit her job instead of thinking about their finances they thought of us.

A few days ago I was walking through the jewelry district in Manhattan and I was stopped by one of the Jeweler’s he was a Jewish man working with his son. He stopped me to compliment Alessia, and her hair and to offer her a nut chocolate bar (which of course I didn’t give her) and to tell me how his son had a child with red hair and neither husband or wife had red hair. He then went on to say, only now do you truly realize how much your parents love you. I completely agreed, and smiled. This was so true, if they love me this much I can only imagine how they must feel about Alessia. 

Understanding the love they have for me has only made me understand them more. 

How can you begrudge and judge how people act when it is all out of love, how can you question their actions when the intentions were in the right place. One day I hope Alessia can experience how much I love her and understand the times i got things wrong. 

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My time

While I was pregnant, I tried to enjoy every single last second, of thinking solely of myself. I was terrified of the fact that, I would no longer be able to just pack up and leave whenever I saw fit. Or that my daily activities would be non-existent. I have never been the type of person that likes routine or structure or to know what was happening next so the idea of having a baby scared the hell out of me.

I didn’t want to mention it to anyone, in case I was treated differently or that I would have to speak about It for nine months straight or that  it just might feel real. So instead I kept doing everything I normally did and working every hour under the sun in fear that this was my last chance to do these things are at least do them with ease.

I had myself signed up to start work again within days of giving birth, sure I didn’t need time to recover and I was happy at the idea of someone else minding my daughter. I couldn’t stop thinking of all the things I loved and worrying that they would be gone forever. My camera work, editing, writing, yoga, Pilates, hockey, cycling, going out in the evenings, going for meals, going to a gig or a play and of course travel. To be honest as someone once put it, I would go to the opening of an envelope I just love to be out and about exploring. So I was anxious at the idea that none of these things would be part of my life any more and i would have to become a hermit.

 

But then you give birth and if you like it our not, you're hooked and all of those actives start to float away from your day-to-day thoughts and you are instead caught up falling in love. I never begrudged not doing all the things i loved. It was like a weight was lifted. There was just the here and now, the future didn’t matter and the past was long forgotten. For the first six weeks I didn’t want to do anything other than parade my baby around and watch how perfect she was. I was on cloud nine. I would wake in the morning and need to pinch myself to see was this all a dream. Was I really a mother of a beautiful little girl??? Even saying I was a mother out loud felt so weird. My days became filled with changing, feeding and picking gorgeous outfits. I Sat in coffee shops, bars, restaurants, went to the city and planned my trip to Italy I certainly did not feel the need to sit in. I did not for one-minute miss all those endless actives and I certainly didn’t miss work. I did, of course, keep myself busy and did bits and pieces of freelance video work, but I was in no rush to leave my beautiful daughter. Jet setting back to London to work and putting her in a crèche became a distant thought. Instead, I was brainstorming and figuring out how i could spend as much time as possible with her.

 My time became so precious every minute counted. I didn’t worry about cleaning and washing and trying to have the perfect dinners cooked. I dedicated time to do those things and outside of that I didn’t even think about it. When Alessia was six weeks old I started my Pilates and yoga again. I took twenty minutes out of my day; it didn’t matter what else had to be done, or if Alessia had to lay beside me. These were my twenty minutes and no matter what I was having them for myself. I would lay my mat on the floor and I  zone out. It was my time and I would look forward to it every day.  It didn’t matter if it was the morning, evening or night I would fit it in where ever I could.  It gave me peace of mind; it grounded me and allowed me to completely tune out. I was enjoying this time more than I had ever enjoyed my time. I appreciated it so much more, I wasn't thinking about what else needed to be done as this twenty minutes was so valuable I wasn’t letting a second slip away. There was never any guilt attached to the fact the house could be falling down around me or I wasn’t playing with Alessia, or there was no food made, or it was my chance to shower. Everything could wait and this couldn’t. It allowed me to solely concentrate on me.  It rejuvenated me and gave me energy I didn't even know I had, it made me feel sane and brought me back to who I was. I couldn't believe how much twenty minutes could do for your mind and body. This was my time and I wasn't giving it up. Slowly my time is becoming more and more, She is walking, talking and becoming incredibly more independent every day. But still when I do have time for myself, I cherish every second. Knowing I'm coming back to this.

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Then they turn one!!

When you're having a baby you think you are having a baby, not a toddler, not  a little girl, a teenager or a grown up child. I didn't really think of this. That they get bigger and the baby is gone and you are left with a walking talking individual.  It becomes more apparent every day that they are, their own person. And I'm just there to protect and help shape them while they find their way. 

I think it was Alessia's first birthday, that really cemented the fact she was growing up and I was such a major part in helping her have a fulling life. This is such a huge responsibility. So as much as I'm relaxed about a number of things and I love allowing Alessia experience the world in a not so ridged way. I also take my job insanely seriously. I think what would I want someone to do for me. When it comes to things like what I put in her body, making sure she is completely protected from the sun, what opportunities I put in front of her or how I parent her. I am a hundred percent responsible for these really vital things. It's not fair of me not to do them, to the best of my ability.

I remember when Alessia was born, I thought she would be a baby forever. My mum reminded me that the baby stage is short and time is quick so to hold her as much as I could. This advice was the best advice I got. I would sit in bed every night and just let her sleep on my chest and not feel like I was wasting a moment.

Like my mum had said the time came and went and after seven weeks she no longer wanted to lie like that. She was an independent seven-week-old baby that wanted me to jump her up and down on my leg.

Every week she was changing and every stage got better than the last. I never wished to go back a stage, and I never longed for the next I always enjoyed exactly where I was.
It was like day-by-day nothing seemed to happen, but then all of a sudden things were different.

Suddenly I had a toddler, the baby was gone. She had a mind of her own and parenting become more serious. It wasn't a case of just feeding, changing and getting her to sleep. It was thinking of day activities, am I dealing with her right, are we creating a happy, independent little girl or anxious, needy child. You become more and more protective. Which gets harder and harder. I saw children, pull things off her, push her, throw sand in her eyes and you try and deal with it in the best possible way. I wanted Alessia to be able to stand her ground, but not be a bully. 

Still, I just went with my gut, didn't think about it too much and just went with what felt right and hoped there will be few long-term consequences.

On Alessia’s first birthday, I realized that not only is a birthday a special time for the person but also for the parent. It is a celebration of them entering your life. It was such an emotional day from start to finish.

 I enjoyed every moment. I wanted to shout from the rooftops how happy I was and I wanted everyone to join me celebrating it. I had entered a world where there were two parts to every story, the person and then their parents. I hadn't signed up for a toddler. But I sure as hell wasn't going to give her away. I suppose parenthood you are eased in nicely, with visions of ting innocent babies. It lures you in, they take your heart and from there, anything can happen and you're still not letting go.

 

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Lost in time

 I don't know if I didn't hear these things are if they were not said. Maybe I just didn't listen. But I feel like nobody mentioned that every moment would feel so much more exciting and I would be brought on so many new adventures, after having a child. 

Though I think really what happened was it has made me appreciate every second I spend with her. 

When Alessia was born, I thought of all the times I heard people speak of sleepless nights and how tired they were or how much they had to do. I thought how can you ever complain about another day as its like wishing one day of their life away and one less day you will spend together. It slows you down it has made me feel like I've never felt before. It's allowed me to get in touch with my sensitive side again, which I think I had almost shut down trying to fulfill my goals and ambitions. 

I have never enjoyed going to do grocery shops so much. I love going out with my straw basket and looking through the vegetables and watching Alessia take it all in; every moment spent with her is priceless. She will do something new, say something new, wave at someone or blow a kiss and I can think of nothing only how amazing she is. Having a baby makes you practice mindfulness even if you don’t want to. What I love most is when she Grabs out and kiss me, she literally kills me with kisses. I know there will come a stage that I won't get so many so I cherish every one. I breathe in the moment as though it is the last, as I do not take for granted this time I am spending with her. Never have I lost myself in time like I do with Alessia. We go to Barnes and nobles and I watch her running around playing and minutes turn into hours and it's like time has been robbed. As I am so content standing and watching her play. Yesterday, she was sure the toy dog was real, she was nervous at first, getting into my arms.  Slowly she ventured over, Waving and making dog noises and patting the dog. Calling it and rubbing its nose. I could have watched for hours.

Our when last week she woke me up at night as she wanted to kiss me, I usually am not a fan of people waking me. But this was such an incredible moment; I drank it in and enjoyed every second. I love when she wants something and starts kissing me as she knows that once she does that my heart melts and my brain goes to mush and I forget what is what. Lying in bed watching her sleep, just feels so amazing.

Having Alessia is the biggest adventure I have gone on so far. So many twists’s and turns. Every day brings something new, and every day you feel even more in love. For example, this morning the heat was so incredibly hot, our usual two hours spent  in the playground turned into twenty minutes. Instead Alessia friends invited us to play. I found it such a privilege to be invited into someone's home. Though since having Alessia it has been a common occurrence. It’s acceptable to have people call at 8am or 9, which is great for me, as I love doing things in the morning. I chatted with their mom while Alessia played with all their lovely toys I was making more friends, learning new things and it was so enjoyable. I was even offered a job.

 Every morning we get up Alessia has a whole new adventure set out for me. She has led me on a path I never would have taken, and I love it. Where hours feel like minutes and weeks feel like seconds. Parenthood is a whirlwind nothing I ever could have imagined. I used to look at people on play dates, and spending all their time doing child friendly things at such a slow pace and I must admit I thought it was boring, not exciting enough. I can truly say it's anything but. No one mentioned when it is your own child it is very different it feels different. You have just as many adventures just different types Alessia is teaching me some of the most valuable life lessons I will ever learn, what's more, she is doing it while making it fun. 

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Her first Robbery

Alessia is the type of girl that likes to carry things with her everywhere she goes; she has a few favourites like fruit, toothbrushes and shoes. When we go into a shop as soon as we enter the fruit section she is screaming and shouting 'Bulla Bulla', until she gets one or two pieces of fruit to carry while I shop. She doesn't enjoy kicking back in her buggy while I wheel her around, from the word go this was a no no. I would sit and watch other babies sleep and relax in their pram, while ours was growing cobwebs at home. Though on occasions since coming to New York if it's too hot or I’m going to buy something heavy I put her in the buggy. She brings her Mango or water melon out with   her and she is happier for slightly longer than she normally would be. Until she is giving out, arching her back, or crawling under the straps to get out of the buggy. The only solution is to carry her home. 

Long may these days last that fruit and to be close to me is all she wants. When I get to the checkout, Alessia doesn’t like to part with her fruit all that easily. She will always try and put up a fight when the sales assistant is trying to scan or weight it.  Though often we are given the fruit for free, as the shop assistant hates to ask for it and I act none the wiser. (We just ensure she has an expensive organic piece).

She will then enjoy walking around the apartment with her new purchase. It is adorable to watch her become so attached to something, to be so delighted with it. When we go to a shoe shop or clothes shop she again needs to hold something she loves holding a pair of shoes in her hand or when I let her out of sling she will go straight to the shoes and socks. We have gone to walk out of foot locker Alessia with a brand new pair of free runs in her hand me completely oblivious. Although considering the size of a man’s shoe the security guard was able to point it out while laughing. There are hours of entertainment watching her, looking at her every move and how happy she is with herself and it is all completely free.

She is every shops worst nightmare and it is her idea of heaven, running around taking everything from the shelves. For days out we go to, Babies or us, Barnes and nobles (which has a fantastic kids section) and the Disney store. She could spend the day running around, checking out every last item. She loves nothing more than when I try shoes on her. She will sit on the ground with a shoe she has picked from the shelve and wait till I try it on, or bring it to the shop assistant and hope they will try it on her foot for her. It’s incredible to think this time last year she was a helpless baby now she is dictating what she wants completely clued into what is going on.

On a couple of occasions I have not noticed she has something in her hand, or that she has put something in the buggy while I wasn’t looking.

Though her first robbery was something else. We were in Bushwich in Brooklyn visiting a friend and we went to a dollar store to pick up some candles. Alessia was acting surprisingly quiet for a girl that was tired and it was hot and usually I would hear her chatting away or giving out or at least saying hi to everyone around.

Though I was immersed in a conversation and was only delighted Alessia was sitting happily in her sling. After leaving the shop and walking a few blocks up the street I glanced down at her. She was in her element, smiling and laughing, holding her new toothbrush. I couldn’t stop laughing when I saw her there with it, in all her innocence. I thought these were most definitely the moments that I will cherish forever. Completely and utterly free, fun and entertainment. I would never have believed I would be the getaway vehicle for my daughter’s first robbery. But there I had it I was and I wasn’t complaining.

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mistake. It's a sure 

What I Miss!!!

 I was always in the mindset that after school and college you don’t make another  large circle of friends. What started off as going for a walk with a friend of a friend, led to meeting a group of life long friends. After Alessia was born, I was away for a number of months, so I did not join baby and mother groups. I had a couple of friends that had babies and I was easing myself into motherhood. Basically, continuing doing everything I used to do.

When I returned from Italy Alessis was that bit bigger and although I continued to bring her everywhere there was some places she just wasn't welcome. I was kindly invited to a baby and mother lunch date in one of the girls' homes. Slowly the group expanded and eventually there were eight mothers and their babies.  Four boys and four girls so the perfect matchmaking group.

This time last year I had none of these people in my life. But since coming to New York I really miss this group of friends, which I only acquired after having Alessia. They are one of the most genuine, honest, sincere, kind and loving people I have ever met. They made the entry into motherhood such a Fantastic time. They took away the  chance of any loneliness and instead gave me life long friendships, support, kindness and social gatherings. Without them,  Alessis and I certainly wouldn't have had half as much fun. To have a group of people to experience motherhood with, who get one another, and to have constant support and encouragement is something I would never have deemed important prior to having Alessia. 

Nobody wants to bore none baby friends talking about baby things, it's just not interesting. But to have people going through something similar is a vital part of  the package for maternity leave.

 We had lunch in one another’s homes, we would all bring something and it was always extremely relaxing and easy going.  Just happened, everyone was incredibly good at cooking and I would really look forward to these super chilled out lunches. The babies ranged in age the eldest Alessia and the youngest six months younger. We went for walks, coffee, called to one another for a chat. We joined baby exercise classes, baby yoga and Jo Jingles,

http://www.jojingles.com/jo-jingles-ireland.asp .

One of the girls organized a first aid course in her home; the lady giving it nearly fainted when as soon as we entered we were getting offered wine and beer, and finger food. Yes, this was a social gathering for us; we could bring our babies and our partners and learn about how to save our children from choking while having some wine. It was not only about babies and it certainly wasn’t a forced group of people coming together as we just happened to have children the same age. We really bonded and became friends. There were barbeques where everyone brought their partners, and birthday parties. We even organized a night out without the babies, which was so much fun.  As much as I love Alessia she is insanely active so on most of our outings I did very little chatting more running around after her. Still, I enjoyed it immensely.

When I was sick, each and everyone offered to come by, watch Alessia  and bring me food. One girl came by in the lashing rain with medicine, honey and oranges. This was the biggest support network I had. We didn’t sugar coat things and try and act polite everyone was real and honest and it was so liberating to be part of such a like-minded group of people. Like all good things they come to an end, I’ve come to New York, others have gone away people are going back to work. But it hasn’t really come to an end the dynamic is just changing; they are still a great support and fantastic friends. They are what I miss in the busy streets of New York. That is something that is hard to find and when you do, you don’t take it for granted. I will look forward to our night out on my return and comparing stories and photos of our ever-changing babies.

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