What we tell ourselves sticks

I never felt more beautiful or more amazing after having a child. Not that I looked any different maybe just a little more tired. But from the moment alessia was born I made a decision with myself I would never put myself down, I would never say I felt stupid, I felt fat, I felt ugly, ETC Instead I would look in the mirror and say you look amazing today or god don’t I feel great or I love my hair, or remark how intelligent I felt. And funny enough if you tell yourself these things enough you believe it. So every morning I would get up feeling a million dollars and go to bed feeling the same. Why I hadn’t thought of this during my teen years. 

What I have really started to noticed since Alessia was born and especially since she started becoming aware of what people were saying, was women or men putting themselves down in front of their children. It causes me so much upset to hear. Of course it’s not intentional but these tiny people are like sponges they soak it all in and what they hear becomes their values and believe system. If their mum or dad is putting themselves down, then the child begins to also focus on these things if its looks or body shape they develop a believe system that these things matter the most and they too start putting themselves down or develop an unhealthy obsession with trying to perfect these things. it’s a vicious circle. Causing so much problems in the future and impacting on self confidence, self believe and self esteem.  What I learned at a young age was there was no such thing as perfect and striving for it only lead to unhappiness.

The other day while getting changed my heart skipped a beat when I heard Alessia ask why was ur belly so big??? I actually couldn’t understand it, where had she heard it from. But then a few days later she asked again, and also asked her farther. After just turning three and so aware of her body, never hearing me talk about mine my heart was breaking to think this is our society, so focused on looks and our bodies. What if we just allowed our self focus on the things we loved what would happen?? We might stop living in our heads but actually allowing ourselves feel through life rather then thinking how we should be or shouldn’t be and we might just allow ourselves be. 

Its the small things that matter

The last few months have been crazy getting back from India and trying to set
up a business and still give to Alessia both physically and emotionally and learning to get a work life balance while maintaining my yoga practice as well. 

I never really stood back and looked at what had happened or where I had come from, how it happened why it had happened, but the truth is this path found me. I didn’t find it; it fell in front of me.  

I firstly did my yoga teacher training for me, not to teach other people, i wanted to further my knowledge and practice. I didn’t see this as a career for me, I had further study to do, and Yoga would help me physically,emotionally and financially 

But slowly I realised maybe it was going to be a bigger part of my future then i thought and not just in my own personal life. 

But today I stood and thought my class and looked around and realised I didn’t no anyone it wasn’t friends coming to me anymore and I felt a sense of happiness and achievement. I was living a life true to me. 

This morning someone walked in to one of my classes that had been a role module to me ten years ago when I was going through a rough time in my life. Who had said the right words that had helped me conquer anxiety, helped me to want to really live life. Her words and kindness had meant so much, this morning when I set eyes on her, her kind eyes and beautiful smile, it took me back it made me so grateful of the direction my life had taken and how full and wonderful it was. 

I felt happy yet sad that life had ever felt like that. But I had let me life unfold naturally I had worked hard making choices but not pushing anything and here I was with the most wonderful daughter in the world and working in something that I could never call work, and i thought it really is the small things that matter. With that I smiled inside and continued to teach my class.

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The difference a tooth can make

How can their pain become yours. You never stop to think how much pain our parents felt for us. How many heart breaks they had watching us grow up. How every tear we shed they shed hundreds more. How even the slightest frown causes agony and worry.  How they continue to worry about us even as we grow into adulthood. 

The last couple of months for me have been so busy, coming home from India and opening up my studio. I’ve had little time to think or socialise little time to acknowledge what was happening. To worry or stress about it or feel it was a big deal. I started to write about it numerous times but had no words. I guess thinking of it as no big deal has lead me to feeling it was no big deal. 

I was thinking over the last week my writing ability was failing me. I couldn’t find the words my hand was frozen. But then on Friday evening, the one thing that really matters to me had an accident. Like all toddlers it’s normal, unstoppable no matter how much you try, you just can’t prevent everything. 

But I learned, how we blame ourselves beat ourselves up and it reminded me how much pain we feel for our children. My heart throbbed as though someone had ripped it out. Like It was life or death, it was only her tooth, it was as though that tooth was a core part of her. It made her who she was. As I saw her trip in slow motion only seconds before I got to her side my heart skipped a beat as I saw the blood come in the bucket load.  I should have been relieved it was only a tooth but to see her little tooth broken and he lip cut was more than I could handle. She was perfect just the way she was. Her tears unstoppable, inconsolable and I felt helpless in her pain. How you just want to take it for your pain. 

But what I hadn’t even thought about was the fact I still feed her and this was like a racer blade coming out of her Mouth. But what upset her most was firstly it was too sore to have baba. It hurt too much, as she sobbed in my arms and I rubbed her hair there was nothing making her pain ease. I though of how lucky I was it was only a tooth, nothing serious. But it really struck me how I now feel the pain for two. My studio is open, I am living the dream I had, it’s not what is important it’s what it allows me to do. That is spend as much time as possible with the person I love most.

As my days become more of hearing Alessia say 'MAMMA IS GOING TO YOGA",  my minutes and  hours became more and more precious. I hug her deeply and suffer through the pain of that sharp tooth. 

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All good things come to an end

As I see an end to my second month, I feel all sorts of emotions. The last eight  weeks have seen many challenges, but also so many rewards. Business opportunities, excitement, fun, new people  and achievements. The biggest obstacles have been, hurting my back and getting sick. But luckily with patience and awareness my back healed and I got over my illness.

The biggest thing I learned was no matter what the situation I should visualise the best out come of the situation and hope it arrives no matter how tired or worn out I feel. 

My knowledge I've learned is endless. My confidence in teaching has reached a new level. My love for jewellery has grown stronger and our love for clothes the same. India has given me everything  I could want from a trip. The colours, the smells, the people. I had concerns for the 300hour teaching training I worried how I would manage it with alessia. But It was amazing I feel so relaxed calm at ease. Alessia the same, asking could we stay for ever and ever.  

As Christmas approaches, it's hard to imagine the cold, Christmas songs, lights, family and friends celebrations all the things I love. My favourite time of year. But for us Christmas won't happen on the 25th of December. So we will just wait a little longer and celebrate on the 5th and 6th of January when santa has agreed to come visit us. We will celebrate New Years in a wonderful palace hotel and enjoy the cheap luxuries of India before we depart. As I make the most of the end of our trip, savouring every minute of sunshine, calmness, shopping, exploring and study time. I look forward to going home to share my knowledge, 2018 has so much to offer. 

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A little closer to my goal

As the first month comes racing in, and I have only five weeks left of my trip. I think of all I've accomplished, not only do I have my 200h teaching training I am now qualified in prenatal yoga and yoga therapy.

 The month had its challenges. Allowing Alessia become relaxed and at ease with Sudha her Minder. Alessia getting used to her surroundings, and understanding  she was not going to see all the people she is used too seeing daily.  Also the heat and the early mornings. Hurting my back, Doing my own daily practice, attending my classes and also doing hip opening and back bending classes. 

But it also had so many rewarding and exciting times. Watching Alessia come into herself, watching her socialise and chat to everyone form relationships and bonds. Seeing my practice develop, filling my head with new and exciting yoga knowledge. Meeting wonderful friendly peop
le. Exploring the shops the sites and tasting new and delicious food. Enjoying our daily coconut, where we chill out and chat and watch the world go by.





 This month has thought me so much, it  has opened my eyes to so many things good and bad. As I have one week between my courses ending and next course 300 hours teaching training beginning, I am a little apprehence of what Lies ahead. But I am throwing any worry over my shoulder and deciding I can only do what I can do. What will be will be, there is not ideal. 

I once again think how fortunate I am to be able to have this experience, regardless of the challenges it will throw at me. 

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I didn't think it could get any better,

As a second week comes and goes, a whole new meaning comes from my trip. Relaxation, acceptance, new possibilities. I let go of any concerns, worries and thoughts that are not helping me and my future. I'm enjoying every second of this experience. I've never enjoyed something so much as when I am in the room practicing my Asana.  

I am in that moment there is no outside world just the here and now and that pose. Every thought floats away and leaves me feeling completely at one with myself. Already I've meet some wonderful people who are making the trip even better.  Alessia is day by day coming into her own and is once more light hearted and fun. She is loving every moment. 

Practicing her yoga interacting with everyone and enjoying the ride. The knowledge I've acquired over the last two weeks in terms of yoga theory is amazing I'm so excited to put this knowledge to use and share it.  Last years trip was such a success, I worried  would this year be so good. But actually it is better. Alessia is older, she is happier and more relaxed and I feel so chilled.

 Mysore is such a wonderful beautiful place in India. Wonderful houses, wonderful people, wonderful clothes, jewellery and of course food. Two weeks in and seven to go I am so excited to think of everything I will learn over the coming weeks. 

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No expectations

What I've learned very early on is that you can have no

Expectations when traveling with a baby or a toddler. All your ideals need be be erased and all if 's and buts forgotten. Otherwise you are leading yourself into a hole of disappointment. 
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