My guilty Secret

What's wrong with me? I ask myself over and over. I don't want a stranger to mind my daughter, I don't want her in a crèche, I want to be her primary care giver. I want to watch her first steps, hear her first word, i want to be there for the  first of everything. I want to hug her if she is sad, sing to her to  make her happy. Snuggle in with her if she isn't feeling well or kiss her better. I'm happy to sacrifice everything to ensure I am doing the best for her. What the hell is wrong with me??????

I want to be with my daughter, night and day I don't want to miss a second. Why is it that feeling like this feels so wrong, a guilty secret. Something I shouldn't voice. At every given moment she is the most important thing to me, but yet I feel I should work full time and ship her off to strangers, so I can further my career and follow the norm in society. 

The conflicting part is I also want to work, I loved what I did I love what I do, I am not happy to sit around the house clean cook and be a house wife. This is neither me, I am ambitious, hard working and talented. So why do I feel like this. 

While I organize my life around Alessia and make career adjustments so I can be a full time mother, I am questioned numerous times  by both myself and others as to when I'll go back to work. What will I do, what is my goal.
While I try to defend my actions all the while feeling there is something wrong with what I am doing. But I'm going with my gut, I'm following my heart and I'm doing what feels right. Going with what feels right. Nothing lasts forever, which brings up two things, my future career and my current situation. So I make choices based on now that will best serve my future. This is the hardest decision and easiest I have ever made to be with my daughter. I have no regrets since Alessia was born. I don't wish I did anything differently. I have watched her develop and grow and it went so quickly and I am so thankful every day I was there for it. 

I still co-sleep, I still feed her, these are things that are the norm in other societies. Like when I was travelling in India  in Kerala and I spoke to a woman who told me they are more advanced and well educated than other parts of India and they breastfeed their children till they are  three or four and they Co sleep until the child leaves the bed. These were some of the kindest, most open, loving people I've ever met. I don't think it is a coincidence.  

There is nothing wrong with me, I am not mad or lazy or over protective, I just love my daughter Alessia and want what is best for her. Which up until now happened to be, being minded by her mother that loves her more than anyone could. My days may be much more simple, but my life is much more full. 

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We make our own reality

After being home a few hours I could feel the anxiety setting in. Back to reality. This was real life, all our trips were over. I needed to be a grown up, a responsible mother and we had nothing to look forward to. Quickly I snapped out of this ridiculous thought pattern. 

Airports and Wallets

With a heavy heart we left India, I felt so emotional as we waved Pune goodbye and made our way to Goa. I thanked Alessia for coming with me and being so amazing. She really was a fantastic travel companion. I actually think it was safer traveling with a baby rather than alone. I felt that, being a mother changed how people  looked at me, and instead of looking at me as a sexual object or an individual I was first and foremost a mother and that  in turn made people more protective and helpful.  A lot of the kind gestures people made, i felt were based on me traveling alone with a baby so having Alessia really made the trip what it was.

As we packed our stuff up to go to the airport my friends mum came to say bye, she gave me beads her late mother had blessed. Her mother, had passed away only a couple of weeks before at 96, she sounded like an incredible person. And the stories I heard about her lead me to believe a very powerful woman too. She was one of the nicest people I had met since coming to India. There was something very special about her,I guess like her mother. She also gave me cash as there was no ATMS working and told me not to worry about giving it back. 

As we drove away in the taxi three of the woman that helped out in my friend's house came to wave us off.


 All of these acts of kindness really restored my faith and showed me that there are many very kind people out there. The amount of good fortune I had since coming to India showed me how good my karma must be. Though for some reason I love to loose wallets at airports and as I got off my first plane to collect my bags, I noticed my neck wallet was no longer with me. I had for the first time since loosing it the last time put my cards in it all together as I was heading home. The ground hostess kindly helped and rang Pune and checked the plane. With no luck finding it, We continued our journey just a little hungrier than I would have hoped. I could only think this was happening to teach me what it's like to have nothing, but I would have happily learned this another day. 

I actually really enjoyed the trip home, it was nice to have little to think of and knowing these were our last 24 hours of holiday mode I wanted to savor every second. From Goa, we flew to Mumbai, where we meet the kindest guy ever, his parents were Irish he grew up in Oz, but lived in New York, he helped with our luggage and offered to bring us to the business class lounge so Alessia would have more room to run in an enclosed area.

Unfortunately, they wouldn't let us in but maybe it was a blessing in disguise as I could  fully concentrate on Alessia by myself and it was actually easier to think only of ourselves. So instead we explored the shops and Alessia reorganized the bags in one of the stores and we managed to get water and I had luckily packed loads of snacks for Alessia. I was never so excited to get on to a plane to get the food, usually I wouldn't even touch it.

Our plane ended up being 90 minutes delayed and all I would think of was getting some food, luckily Alessia had her snacks and milk. If I wasn't still feeding Alessia, I think it would have made the trip so much more stressful, instead I always had food and drink on tap, I was less worried that she, would get sick as I knew that it would help protect her. When she wasn't eating I knew she had plenty of nutrition. It even cured a pretty bad eye infection she got while we were away.

I couldn't believe how good Alessia was on all four planes, and all the waiting in between, it was like she knew I needed a rest and she couldn't have been better.  

Getting off the plane at Dublin Alessia jumped for joy, it was fascinating to watch her. She knew she was home, she even recognize our bag on the carousel before me and was like a giddy goat trying to get at it. I had mixed feelings about being home. The bitter cold certainly didn't help. Though I knew this certainly wasn't our last adventure it was just one of many. As we drove back the familiar road from the airport to our house, I was delighted to see my family while all ready planning where we were going next. Though watching Alessia become immersed in her toys and familiar surroundings, I knew that she wouldn't complain if we stayed put for a while. 

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So much human decency

Pune was the perfect end to our trip, after waiting six hours in Bangalore airport and getting our plane to Pune I learned that the 500 bills and the 1000 bills are no longer legal tender. I couldn't believe this could happen within hours and no prewarning. Although this doesn't seem like a huge deal it was. No ATM's were working and wouldn't work for the remainder of our trip. A lot of places only accept cash so it was incredibly difficult to function. I was so blessed that I was staying with my friend as I had such limited cash on me, and no way to access more.

Pune was a fantastic city

There were plenty of green areas and the streets were full of hustle and bustle. Myself and Alessia wandered around and explored our neighborhood. I was taking it easy and not doing too much. We enjoyed some of our last fresh coconuts and browsing in the shops. My friends family were incredibly kind and generous, they welcomed myself and Alessia with open arms. 

They made literally the best food I've eaten in India and were so hospitable. We went to visit a fort above the city where we could look out over Pune. We ate  the best street food ive ever had, and took in the last of the Indian atmosphere.  We explored the jewelry shops and I brought Alessia to a Mall where she could do what she loves, running around exploring while I bought my final purchase an amazing leather bag.

Having no cash was bringing all sorts of problems But it also was showing me  how much Human decency there was in the world. As I wandered the streets looking for an ATM so we could get breakfast an elderly man took it upon himself to help us. After we tried  three ATMS, he took me for breakfast And told the people to feed me and I would give money Back when I had it. 

When we were at the shopping Mall for some reason uber wouldn't accept my visa card, so we had no cash I literally didn't know what to do it made me realise how vulnerable you are when travelling alone and in future i would alwasy travel with Euro as well. Walking home was not an option. Luckily again, I saw such human decency and my friends mum offered to give me cash on arrival of my cab. 

I thoroughly enjoyed chatting to the family and learning more about Indian culture. Alessia was enjoying the freedom of running around their home. On our final day I called to yet another Indian bank to see if there was any way to access cash, I was astonished at how I was treated. Although they couldn't help me a bank man gave me 200 rupees so I could get a taxi to an international bank. Of course on arrival, I actually couldn't take money out but I couldn't believe how generous and thoughtful he had been. 

I was sad and happy to be going home. I was happy we had escaped India without getting Delhi belly, and that neither of us had gotten too sick. I felt content and proud we had accomplished all we had come to do. I contemplated staying in Goa for another few weeks, but I felt Alessia would be happy to return home, to have other children her toys, her family  and Joe jingles. I was sad the adventure was over, it was an amazing two months of bliss. It was everything I hoped for and more and I felt India was most definitely going to be part of my future. As we enjoyed our last day, I wouldn't allow the thought that we had four planes and 24 hours of travel ahead take away from this precious time with my daughter.  All we could do was keep enjoying the journey And cherish every last minute of our trip. While looking forward to our next adventure.

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The difference a man can make

With the change of driver came a different atmosphere. Our old driver seemed like part of our trip he became a friend. His welcoming smile and positive energy made everything ok. What I loved about him was he didn't try he just naturally was a really lovely person. Our new driver just wasn't as nice. He was creepy and off and wasn't making it pleasant to be in the car with. Like turning the AC off not stopping when I asked, not cleaning the car and saying very weird things altogether. 

But we still had two more destinations and i was really excited to see both. We travelled to the most southern tip where the three oceans meet Kanyakumari which had such an eery feel to it. I could feel the presence of the tsunami five years ago, as the huge waves crashed against the ocean, I felt a chill To my bones. Unfortunately our driver wouldn't leave us alone and wanted to accompany us everywhere, so our group became three.

 From there we drove to Rameswaram to visit the most incredible Hindu temple dedicated to the god Shiva I think this has been one of the most fascinating things I've seen. We spend hours wandering around Alessia in awe, people coming from everywhere to reap the benefits of the 22 holy wells. We were blessed and I watched how others prayed and gave up their power to the Hinu god. Elephants are very sacred animals and my heart sunk as I watched a chained up elephant stand and pose while everyone 

blessed themselves beside it. 

Our hotel was clean and nice and had a lovely buffet. It was a perfect end to our tour. We drove to Madhur to catch our plane to Pune. We were going to stay with a friend I had met in New York. Alessia was delighted it was her last car journey for a while and i was even happier I didn't have to put her or me through that again. I was so excited to see Pune see my friend his wife and family. The last leg was about to begin only 13 short hours and we would be there 😊

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From hell to heaven

We were not in luck, after reaching our hotel and figuring out it was of a similar standard to our last, I was furious. Again, no wifi, which wouldn't be so important if I wasn't there with Alessia but it felt like a safety net.

The room was dirty and pillows had holes in them. I Spend yet another day trying to contact make my trip, while booking tickets to see Martial arts and traditional dance. Our driver couldn't have been more helpful in making sure everything was ok and trying his best to help. He was in agreement that I had gotten awful hotels.

But regardless we enjoyed our evening, Alessia loved the show. We chatted with so many people where I kept getting asked where was the rest of my group and when I would reply we were the group people couldn't believe it. One gentleman wanted to exchange emails and told me how much admiration he had for me. Alessia posed for hundreds more photos. And we had some of the best food yet.

Though I couldn't bare the thought of going to another Dirty hotel so I made one more attempt to cancel our trip. At this stage I really was happy just to relax in the one spot. Though finally got talking to a manager and they begged me not to cancel. We were upgraded to five star resorts instead. This was exactly what we needed. A little bit of heaven.

On the way to Alleppey our driver brought me to his friends mum who is a Tailor to get my finial blouse made for another sari. It was such a lovely experience she is famous in Kerala and her skills and talent next to none.

She took my measurements and we drive to our hotel. An amazing lake cabin, we were greeted with fresh pineapple juice, things were looking up.  The bad accommodation was worth it. We relaxed, enjoyed the pool and a clean shower. We were invited out for dinner with our driver's friend so we went. The following day our driver took his friend to meet us who is a journalist and photographer and he took both myself and Alessias photos. We went and collected my blouse and sari, the job she did was incredible. This was my third blouse to get done and the difference in quality was amazing. The whole family had come to see us and take photos. Theses were the experiences that myself and Alessia were really enjoying. Meeting local people and seeing a glimpse of their lives. Our horrific experience was soon forgotten and I felt so happy and content again and so was Alessia. 

We arrived at the Kovalam beach side resort not quite as nice as our last accommodation but definitely not too bad. As we walked on to the beach literally everyone on the beach surrounded myself and Alessia staring and looking and taking photos. It was actually a little scary to be honest. Alessia enjoyed the freedom of the beach and running into the water. I enjoyed not worrying that she was going to kill herself. I noticed they had my favorite shop fabindia so we hiked up hill to satisfy my need to shop. We had a lovely relaxing evening, ate incredible local food and were making the most of our last days in India. Last stop in Kerala was Poovar this was literally the most beautiful place I've ever stayed Poovar holiday resort, as we took a boat twenty minutes through the backwaters to a tranquil secluded hide away we were mesmerized by the beauty. We swam in the pool we ate buffet and drank water melon juice. Alessia got to run around and our room was so lovely I was happy to just relax in it. I had become so attached to our driver and unfortunately he was leaving us as we were going to another state and we were getting a new driver. I felt tears in my eyes as he said goodbye. The kindness he has shown myself and Alessia was incredible.



 Alessia didn't understand  why he was  driving away and was waving so hard after him. We had one week left, and I wanted to enjoy every last minute. As we drove to Kanykumari I could feel the wind down begin. Still five more stops, but I think Alessia had taken her fill.

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Our first nightmare

My trip so far was such a success so much so I really thought what had I ever worried about. Against my usual way of travel and my gut feeling  I decided to use Make my trip to plan my time in Kerala. It took away any sort of organizing and meant all we had to do was turn up. Usually for me the fun is in the planning and I love to be spontaneous, but after a long month and little time to plan and taking others advise I went ahead and booked. From the word go I knew it was a bad idea. I didn't like how they were talking to me and it felt unorganized. All The things I had paid for like to have a driver to meet me at the airport and to stay in good accommodation were so removed from the reality I wasn't sure where my 90 000 rupees went. When we arrived at the airport not sight nor sound of our driver and when he did turn up he hadn't got my itinerary. But it was when we arrived at our second accommodation that I really lost the plot. It has been the first time since leaving Ireland that I felt upset and wished to be anywhere else but there. I was meant to be staying in Munnar and we were one and a half hours up hill from there.



While it lashed rain and Alessia got more and more irritated sitting in the car for a whole day. That sigh of relief you usually get when you reach your destination was not there. I was horrified, it was a small cabin with wires out of the wall, stains on the bed sheets, freezing cold, and  no wifi. I was never so glad of my travel companion. As we went to our room at 5.30pm for the night,  I thought how was I ever going to get through it. Though Alessia was a great distraction and with her running around giggling and laughing oblivious to what was going on I soon forgot the horror story we were living. Not a guest in sight insects all over our room and no way to contact anyway. We set up camp for the night.






The following morning I spend hours trying to contact make my trip. With no phone, no wifi and to add insult to injury my bank cards wouldn't work. This was when I really felt the stress begin.
Luckily I was blessed with the most amazing driver I could have asked for. He took Alessia while I made the calls on his phone, he topped up his phone after i spend all the credit. Gave me a lend of a money so I could eat. Finally  managed to get the accommodation changed, but again in the middle of nowhere one hour and a half from Munnar. Though it was clean and nice and we needed to relax. As I contemplated cancelling it all and just planning our own trip, against Better judgment we soldiered on.



In between the horror story we saw, the Chinese fishing nets, the Dutch palace, the tea plantations, an incredible spice garden, echo lake, a huge dam and ate the most amazing south Indian food.
Poor Alessia was inundated with people taking her photo.  As soon as we would arrive to a tourist location all eyes would slowly move towards Alessia and what they had travelled thousands of miles to see was soon forgotten. People would make their way towards me and think of ways to
 To ask for photos usually sending their child to ask.




One request was could I take Alessia out of the sling so the woman could put her  child in for a photo. Another woman went to kiss Alessia on the lips, until I had Alessia, I've never been aggressive with strangers or anyone for that matter. But, when hundreds try to touch her mouth or kiss her rational thoughts are no longer present and all I can think is to protect Alessia.
But I wasn't prepared to let any of these things get in the way of enjoying our experience and our time in India. So we left Munnar and  drove towards  Thekkady hoping that our hotel would at least have wifi.



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So we did it

As I leave Mysore and head to Kerala, after yet another argument with a taxi driver explaining why car seats are important for babies and then him trying to persuade me that it's very safe to drive four hours without one. On roads that have no rules and drivers that have no sense. 

I still feel so excited and yet relieved. The last month was amazing, but also exhausting, up at five thirty every day three hours of physical yoga  trying to be a full time mum and then studying any minute definitely took its toll. But I came out the other side and am amazed at the progression of my practice and that I actually feel confident to teach. Had I thought about it a little more before coming I properly wouldn't have come. Thankfully, I didn't think too much. 

Both myself and  Alessia were ready to relax and enjoy the backwaters of Kerala and see the tree plantations in Munnar and enjoy the beaches of Varkala. When I first planned the trip one small part of me felt maybe it was irresponsible to bring a young child to India, but I'm So glad I followed my gut rather than my head as this trip is anything but irresponsible it is life changing and incredible in every way. 

Alessia's minder cried as she said goodbye and said she will always be here if we return. To find someone to look after your child as their own is rare and I don't think I could have found anyone as amazing understanding and so respectful of my wishes no matter how hard i looked. 

Alessia was now practicing her yoga with me, it's incredible to watch her take instructions and watch how delighted she is to do downward dog beside me or help with adjustments.  Watching her develop day to day is something else. Every day her vocabulary increases using words without being promoted. I was so proud of her free spirit and lively personality. I think she enjoyed herself as much as me. 

With only  a couple of weeks of my trip left, and while I contemplated extending it, I planned to enjoy every minute. I looked forward to just being me and Alessia again for a while and just completely relaxing, well, as much as you can do with a toddler. As the our car got closer to the airport, I felt the stress of the last week float away and i could feel holiday mode beginning. I felt so happy and content and lucky to have such an amazing travel companion. 

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